We all have people in our lives who push our limits, treating us in ways that leave us feeling bad about ourselves. All too often, these people are members of our own family. We are taught from a young age to love unconditionally, sometimes to our own detriment. Setting healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining good mental health. Knowing yourself and your own needs is the first step in establishing boundaries. The next is recognizing that taking care of yourself is a necessity, not a selfish act. The example of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others has become a common example used to signify the importance of prioritizing self care. If we fail to help ourselves, how will we effectively help others?
So how do we help ourselves?
The first step is recognizing our needs. Often, it feels that our own needs are superseded in importance by the needs of others, especially those closest to us. In order to successfully balance self care with the care of others, we must identify healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves while leaving enough mental and physical capacity to take care of others as well. Setting healthy boundaries requires self advocacy which demands clear, direct communication with ourselves and others. As it is sometimes difficult for people to accept these boundaries, it is vital to be clear and consistent, holding ourselves and others accountable to respect the boundaries we set. Accepting our own boundaries is necessary to effectively maintain them with others. Willingness to sacrifice toxic relationships is necessary when others refuse to respect boundaries set in order to improve our overall health and well-being.
What exactly are boundaries?
Boundaries are materialistic (items, time, services), physical (personal space, touching, sexual), mental (thoughts, beliefs, values, opinions) and emotional. Individual boundaries differ from person to person, as each of our needs and comfort levels vary. To determine our boundaries, we must be honest with ourselves about our personal comfort levels. For instance, if I am not comfortable sharing my clothes with a friend because they don’t take care of their own clothes to my standards, I can set a boundary prohibiting them from borrowing my clothes. If I have strong beliefs that are in conflict with those of a friend, I can set a boundary by limiting our conversation to avoid discussing the topic of conflict and “agree to disagree”. If I feel uncomfortable or unsafe to be touched by another person, I must set a boundary communicating to others that I do not wish to be touched without express permission. The same can be said for emotions. If my emotions are being manipulated by another, then I must set a boundary that allows my emotions to be separate from theirs, ensuring control over my own emotions. This can be done with clear, direct communication and follow through. If a person hurts my feelings I can let them know when they hurt my feelings but I can also set internal boundaries limiting the impact their actions have on me, by reminding myself that what others say or do does not have to affect me.